I Love Me - I Love Me Not - The Good Self - Self Relationship

Are you looking to improve the relationship you have with yourself?

Good Mental Health and internal communication aren’t a passive process, are you willing to go beyond a quick fix, to work at making permanent change to the quality of your journey?

Think about the last week.

Did you criticise yourself or find fault with the things you do? Or, in general, do you find it hard to see positive qualities in yourself, to feel satisfaction in your achievements, no matter how big or small? Do you take negativity, either direct or implied, to heart? Do you rely on others for a sense of positivity, but your positive frame of mind fades gradually or even rapidly after others have gone? 

If you do any or all of the above, you may not have a good quality of self-relationship; well, you probably don't have!

A healthy self-relationship is something that takes time and dedication to build; read on for some thoughts and challenges on what can be done to create or improve yours. Spoiler alert, there are no quick fixes here; this is about being realistic, being human, learning and growing. To have a healthy self-relationship requires a wide range of responses; it takes dedication and creativity.

Let's look at some of the challenges in finding a path to a better self-relationship.

Social Networking and the Simplistic Message.

Even before these challenging and, for many, unprecedented times, the focus of healthy contact and communication in social media and interested groups has been towards external connection, finding healthy and supportive social groups. Of course, the importance of beneficial face-to-face contact, when it is possible, cannot be overlooked. However, a somewhat one-dimensional internal communication is often promoted, 'Be proud of everything you do', 'I'm perfect in myself', 'You're unique, 'End the day being thankful' are typical but very simplistic themes I see over and over again.

Zoom Parties, Socially Distanced Meetings and a constant stream of positive and inspirational posts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have provided a staple and essential diet of stimulus and distraction for people bereft from their usual contacts.

But relatively little of any real depth seems to be getting said on social media about the one relationship that lasts a lifetime, our internal one. It isn't easy to sift past the surface; 'look after yourself, 'be kind', 'think of the positive', well-meaning and, sometimes, constructive messages being posted worldwide, to find quality information on how to be healthy in our self-relationship. Inspirational Instagram and Twitter messages can and do help many people feel better for a while, or a few people feel better for a longer time. 

But…… They're no substitute for a quality healthy internal relationship. I have observed in my work that it is challenging to have quality EXTERNAL relationships if our INTERNAL one is of low quality. Popularity, of course, is not always the answer it is portrayed to be; I have treated people who post motivational and glamourous messages for hundreds or even many thousands of others on social media, then come in and seek help with their depression or low self-esteem. Because their internal relationship does not match the messages they send or the good wishes they bestow on others, they struggle to be ok themselves.

One of the big problems with the simple message and social media disconnected contact, and I am not going heavily into it here, is that there is a big difference between 'contact' and 'hits'. Online communication and recognition will potentially produce a dopamine 'hit', which is short-lived and possibly addictive. In contrast, healthy internal and, consequently, better external relationships will increase serotonin, which is not addictive and longer-lasting. One reason people do not want to give up their iPhones etc. is they can get withdrawal-type symptoms from dopamine hits. (Dr Michael Dow 2011).

Challenges and Potential Benefits.

In a world dominated by institutions that, despite what they claim, have an interest in quantity over quality when it comes to communication, the focus will inevitably be on the external, the transient, homogenised or bite-sized messages. The internal relationship is individual, complicated, challenging and if it is a healthy one, capable of evoking significant changes in the way we see ourselves and the world and how we interact with others, so potentially improving our journey through life. Having seen both sides of my self-relationship, punitive and supportive, I can testify to the substantial qualitative difference it can make to one's day.

External relationships, social groups, organised activities with others, a good workplace, and quality time at home are critical; without them, our psychological and physical health can significantly suffer. A good self-relationship isn't about being self-sufficient; it is about the 'you' that you take into that interaction. Are you supporting yourself or frightening yourself, believing that you have something to offer a situation, encouraging yourself powerfully or utilising internal harshness as a motivator as you go through your day?

Most of the way we operate is developed habit; we learn how to treat ourselves in specific patterns over the years, to the point where many people don't really think about it much. In its many forms, a large part of counselling and psychotherapy is changing established unhelpful habitual patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaviours. This blog post is also about that complex yet straightforward challenge; changing how you perceive and relate to yourself.

So What Makes A Good Internal Relationship?

There is no single answer to that. Why? Because a healthy internal relationship is a bespoke one, tailored to you and your unique needs, mindful of your current situation, your environment, abilities and age.

Let's look at what a good, healthy internal relationship is not; It is NOT telling yourself multiple times a day you are beautiful, excellent, marvellous, talented, unique etc., that is, well, something else.

A well-meaning message that is often used is 'You're great; you can do and be anything you want', this takes no account of personal ability, ambitions or social and monetary limitations and can result in an unwanted and unhelpful pressure to achieve and 'be great'.

It is also not having a Drill Sargent in our heads, pushing, punishing, and unforgiving. More often than not, it works for a period, and then it can become a daily burden; it is certainly a quality of experience spoiler.

How to Approach Good Internal Communication.

Healthy communication externally and internally needs to be tailored to our individual needs, potentials and desires. 

Creativity and perseverance are essential in developing our internal relationships; 23 years after first setting foot in my own therapists' office, I am still growing and learning. A big key is to get to a point where it is enjoyable to care for yourself, a satisfying experience in the journey rather than a specific outcome.

To go back to the one size fits all approach, a therapist some time ago reminisced about how they talked at length about the wonders of autonomy to a friend; the friend listened for a while to these inspiring concepts; they then said, 'What use is autonomy to me right now, I can't even get the dishes washed'. The friend needed a more fundamental, graded approach to self-care before contemplating autonomy of the self. That is one of the big secrets of effective supportive communication, internal or external, especially when it comes to personal development, the right thing, at the appropriate time, with one's current abilities at the forefront, to consider the next step not just the goal.

So how do we know when is the 'appropriate time'? Well, it is helpful to see it as a zone rather than a time, there is leeway, and sometimes perseverance is needed. For example, I have learned to recognise when I need a push as opposed to when I need to be understood. I like the Erskine concept of Enquiry, Attunement and Involvement in the therapeutic relationship. (RG Erskine - International Journal of Psychotherapy, 1998). 

Enquiry; Did you ever go to a friend for advice, and they were distracted, not listening or giving 'standard' responses that did not address what you needed? If so, I have a secret to tell, a LOT (though not all) of the time, what impacts, irritates or frustrates you in other people is something you do to yourself but without realising it. There is a focus at the moment on Unconscious Bias, and it is a very relevant subject for the healthy functioning of society; what is not being explored in that context is that we can have an unconscious bias towards ourselves. For example, 'I want to get rid of my anxiety' (rather than understand it), or 'How are you?', 'I'm fine, sorry' (for being here).

If we are not in touch with our thoughts and feelings at a particular moment or listening to our bodies, it is very difficult to know what we need. If we are making our own needs and struggles bad, not paying attention, then it is challenging to make an internal response that will be in the least bit helpful. I challenge you to note your next 3 hours and see how much you are noticing your feelings, really noticing, how much you are aware of your breathing, bodily tensions, the undercurrents of your mind. This is the beginning of Attunement to yourself.

Attunement; Try this. Sit in a chair, anywhere safe, and let your ears hear the sounds around you; the more you sit, the more background noises will come to your attention. There is a theory that time passes more quickly for adults than children in part because children notice small things all the time, their day is sliced into a lot of individual experiences, adults notice these moments less, it seems. Children in healthy environments also see their physical and emotional states more and can better react, or mobilise, to express or fulfil their needs.

Then try the same thing, notice your bodily sensations, avoid analysing what you notice, let what you feel/observe come and go, and become more acquainted with your body by sitting there with it. Boring? Then maybe it would be helpful to like your own company more and temporary distractions less. It is a serious matter, though; there is a modern phenomenon in popular music, short intros. One of my favourite songs is Sound and Vision by David Bowie. The introduction to the song before vocals start is nearly half the length of the song (something like one minute thirty seconds). Over the last few years, a significant number of pop songs have no introduction at all; why? Because even a few seconds of no one singing can result in a listener losing interest and switching channel. Another example of this was when I was in China, and we visited a beautiful Azalea Park. There was a viewing platform on a hill towards the centre, with a fair climb to get there. I noticed quite a few people coming onto the platform, having a quick look, taking lots of pictures and selfies, and starting the long walk down. This shortening of attention span, in my opinion, is majorly interfering with people's ability to 'sit' with themselves and attune to their needs. 

Involvement; Involvement is where the most experimentation will take place and potentially cause the most frustration. One reason why the simplistic message is so prevalent is that people often feel uncomfortable with not having an immediate answer. To try different internal communications, see what works, lose the thread and have to regroup, try for something without knowing if it will help, or try for ourselves when we do not feel we have the time, interest or strength, can be highly challenging.

Some time ago, I heard this described as 'Navel gazing' in an un-complementary way. I think it is, and again this is where appropriateness comes in; one person's rigid self-absorption is another's very necessary self-focus. There is an essential phase in childhood, where the child is the centre of their and their families' universe. If this is over-indulged for the benefit of others, then adult functioning and relationships can suffer. If it is insufficient or inconsistent, or the environment is unsafe for self-focus, then (actually in both cases) creativity and the discovery of self and internal communication can be lost, and communication and responses will become potentially more rigid. 

For more ideas around this; https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19876494

Involvement means commitment and consistency, learning that self-attention (and attention to and care of others) is a pleasure that can be in no way draining or tiring. It is learning to mean what we say to ourselves and what we respond to best, how to our own good companion through the day and giving ourselves emotional rewards for doing so.

The Importance of Safety.

If safety is not present, internally and externally, then all your efforts will be diminished or possibly negated. A lack of security is the nemesis of creativity, and re-learning how to communicate with yourself will potentially need a lot of creativity. Imagine you have a friend or work colleague who followed you around all day and said the same things as you say to yourself, on what you do, how you look, speak, think etc., or if you are safe or unsafe? Would you believe they are a good friend, easy to be around? Would you feel safe to be yourself?

If you can't feel safe, it is tough to try something new, break self-held rules, deal with feelings of breaking the rules, really focus on what is suitable for you.

The same conditions apply to external safety, with rare exceptions; if we are not safe from criticism, violence, anger or unpredictability, spontaneity and creativity can suffer.

Feeling Your Passion.

I studied martial arts for several years when I was younger, Judo, Aikido and Karate. One thing that helped me progress after being stuck for a long time was Bruce Lee's concept of 'Real Emotional Content'. Anyone who has seen his film Enter The Dragon will remember the scene where he explains the difference between passion and destructive anger. I must say here I am not promoting violence or the way MMA has turned into a throwback to the Coliseum days, violence for violence's sake. Martial arts is a whole philosophy, not bashing an opponent into submission for money and fame. I have realised in my work as a therapist that passion, sometimes a dynamic rather than destructive anger, a fire in the belly or heart, is necessary to overcome self-punitiveness, to make a change and find a different way of being. And that is one of the keys; our internal communication has to be meant, not just parroted or a ritual. If you criticise yourself with real meaning, then praise has to meant as well.

Essential to Feel Value in Oneself.

Value is another area that is fraught with pitfalls. There is a slant towards being 'special' or 'unique', or as I mentioned earlier, 'I'm perfect', well-meaning though the latter is, most people are well aware that they are not perfect. Being 'perfect' then potentially becomes a club one has to join. It is ok being imperfect. To have a value of self as an ordinary, flawed human being is so vital.

My Glaswegian wife uses a phrase, 'Fancies his barra' (mix and match gender definitions for fit), meaning one has an inflated opinion or value in oneself or achievements. As a defensive reflex, this attitude can be unhelpful. But to look upon oneself or life and be proud of where we are in life can be challenging, with all those 'Be anything you want to be' messages. After all, many people work in a shop or an office and have ordinary everyday lives, so why can't you be proud of making your way in a sometimes-challenging world?

So, as promised, no quick fixes here or lists to tick off to achieve nirvana. But I hope I have put over something to consider when it comes to how you relate to yourself inside your head and heart.

Suggested reading: On Becoming a Person by Carl Rodgers.

© Peter Banczyk May 2021