More Good Than Harm
Welcome to the first of what I rather hope will be an ongoing series of reflections and observations on being human, posted throughout this blog, and the challenges we face in staying psychologically healthy. I hope you enjoy reading it.
More Good Than Harm.
I only knew one out of my four grandparents, my maternal grandmother. She was a hard-working dour Scot who wore a perpetual scowl and kept her rosary close to hand. Although she spent the last five years of her life living in the same house as us, passing away when I was 12, I only discovered her first name when I was 11 years old. Enid worked until she was 72 in the University of Liverpool kitchens, serving meals to hungry students and lecturers. I once, as a child, made an unrelated visit to the University and saw her working; her wielding a ladle like a club, bashing stew down onto the plates in a seemingly determined effort to break them, was a sight to behold.
It was much later that I discovered how hard a life she had led, losing her husband early in their marriage to cancer, working part-time in a factory and taking in foster children to manage financially. Despite her, understandably, determinedly gloomy outlook on life, Enid also went to work far beyond her healthy years. She provided for the family that I believe she cared about, never complaining about her arthritis and failing health. Within her framework, she tried to do the right thing and did it even when her health was failing.
Cast as I might into my memory, I can't recall her ever directly talking to any of her grandchildren. I remember, though, that she had a lot to say to my mother, often a beratement for real or imagined character or parenting deficits or a dire warning of doom about the world. I remember very clearly how she reacted when anyone around her expressed an intent to do something proactive; she would listen, nod, and there would be the proclamation, 'You mark my words, it will do more harm than good', then there would be the smile, good point, well made and proven beyond a doubt.
Many years ago, as part of my journey to wellness, I began training as a Transactional Analyst (TA) therapist. TA is a therapeutic model where the understanding of family dynamics play an integral part in understanding our limitations and drives in life and relationships. There I began to see how Enids determinedly negative attitude affected my mother and the rest of the family through her. Latterly, my siblings split broadly into two diametrically opposing camps, those who were grandiose risk-takers and fearful and very much played it safe. Within TA, both opposing reactions are understood in terms of compliance or rejection of the original, impactful messages.
I won't expand here on my 'breakdown' twenty-five or so years ago or how it ultimately became one of the most remarkable things that ever happened to me. That is another blog entry in the writing stage. I should point out, though, that my collapse had nothing directly to do with my grandmother's messages or views.
In my long journey back to a good state of mind, I observed how some therapists achieved excellent results in their work; I was lucky enough to be a client of one of them. The slow awareness began to grow for me of how these therapists seemed able to give out more positivity than they received, without being over the top, to help skilfully and effectively, sometimes seemingly without much effort.
As my experience and awareness of what is beneficial in therapy grew, I examined my situation, which led to me taking a significant risk. After consultation and supervision, I ended the contracts of all the counsellors and therapists who worked for me that I believed had insufficient understanding of effectiveness vs ineffectiveness. This action led to the near-collapse of my business, and it took two or three years to recover fully. Whenever I interviewed for a new therapist to come on board after that, the question 'Will this person give more to the therapeutic process than they will take?' was always in my mind. The result of this question, and the other standards of professional and ethical treatment I set, was that we built a solid reputation in Liverpool. Local doctors were willing to give out our details to patients because our reputation was so good in the last 12 years. I'm pretty proud of that!
Ongoing, I strive in my practice and life to do this…. More Good Than Harm. Partially because I am human and will sometimes make mistakes, and because I do not believe we can ever be 100% sure that we are doing so, sometimes that may become clear days, weeks or even years in the future.
So, I’m working on it!!
New content to come soon, More Good Than Harm; A Tale of Two Labradoodles.